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Just a little update - life

May. 30th, 2007 10:31 am Just a little update

Ok I have been lack in updating my own journal. As usual very busy the last few months with work and all. My co-manager has been off ill and this meant I covered the cell phone 24/7 for 8 weeks non stop and this took a lot out of me personally and physically. She is back and I'm happy and hope the summer goes well at work.

My health has been decling and I think this is due to a couple of things one I just realized today that I have missed two of my medications for over 3 months. I get those refills every three months and never payed attention that two were not sent last time so hopefully once I get back on these I will lose the weight again. I gained over 30 pounds in three months and I'm miserable with this but hoping according to my doctor that getting back on track will help. I also think the lack of time for meditation has done some of this as well. I usually meditate an hour a day but lately I'm lucky if I get 15 minutes to do such enjoyable things. Good news on health is that my eyes have stopped deteriorating and they think that the lazer and gamma surgery have helped stop the tumor from hurting my eyesight anymore. I did not mind most of this treatment it was tough a few days i was stubborn and would have a treatment and then go right to work. My partner would get so mad at me oh well I'm a workaholic.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and dexa scan and some more lab work and hopefully they can get this tumor under control again and I will lose the weight like I did before. This dam thing caused the weight gain before and well hopefully with the treatment will help out. I'm not obese but I'm not very happy with being bloated all the time. Going from 36" pants in the morning to 40 by night is a pain in the ass also I have been buying two pair of pants and keeping in my car so I can change as I bloat throughout the day but that is sort of fun also but more laundry.

Not sure but maybe it is health or whatever but I feel so sad most days I have been having more of a hard time dealing with it then I used to. I don't want to go on medication for feeling sad but may have to do so. The brokeback stories still inspire me to try and do things that I never did before I try reaching out to people and loving those around me more. The stories I know some think I'm crazy that over a year now almost 18 months of reading daily well they are great. I cannot get enough and it seems I crave them at times. Some writers say I should try writing but then that would cut into my time reading and not sure I want to do that. I do have a few things on my word that I have written but as most who know me my grammar is horrible.

Family life. Pat and I have been tolerating each other more back into the slump. We did talk a little about wether we stay together for comfort and security or love and well it is a mixture of all of these things. We do get along together and enjoy things together but well we get on each others nerves a lot and his control issues are still very hard to deal with. Yes, I'm no prince in being loyal to our sexual relationship anymore the last two years anyhow out of 12. I have been better lately and it seems the more I try and avoid those situations they appear before me but I have resisted the temptation for the past couple of months and am proud to be loyal sexually to him again. Even though it is hard sometimes. I don't know what the attraction is but I have had more young men approach me then when I was a young man as of late. I feel dam ugly but I guess they see beyond my physical looks and see something in me I'm not sure. I don't particularly like younger men but it is tempting when a 20 year old wants to take you out on a date and so forth but again I digress and I avoid and keep my penis in my pants. It is flattering in a way though. It is funny how the world throws these things at you. I am the type of person that well talks with store attendents and cashiers at stores and because I frequent places alot they remember me. Twice in the past month things like this happened.: At my favorite starbucks the one girl their encouraged another co-worker the 20 year old to make a pass at me. She told him that she did not like my partner and thought he was a better match for me. Apparently he told her he liked me and she encouraged this pass. I talked to him and well did not do more and almost did but it worked out. Then last night at dinner at one of our favorite restaurants when I was going to the bathroom the waiter followed me in and made a pass at me. He said he sees the two of us come in all the time and thought maybe I would go out with him and dump my partner of 12 years. I turned this down although he was extremely handsome and is always so nice as a waiter. I don't know why these things keep happening. The two soccer player guys I did play with a couple times last year going to the local college next door came to say goodbye to me a couple of weeks ago and thank me for talking to them like adults and well other things. They are going to try and make a go of being together and wanted one more threeway but I declined and told them to just be themselves and be together. Strange strange strange how the spirits are moving lately. I cannot wait for Lilly dale to open and see what happens this summer. I'm not sure I'm ready but I guess I will have to be ready for what life puts before me.

Ok I have rambled on a bit long and have to get to work so I will go for now. Joe

Current Location: Back Yard in Hammock
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable

4 comments - Leave a commentPrevious Entry Share Next Entry


Date:May 31st, 2007 04:00 am (UTC)
Poor Joe. I had no idea you were sick. Feel better soon sounds flimsy for some reason but I really do hope you do. I am in the same sort of predicament with my husband. I think I still love him and we get along sometimes but there are no sparks anymore. There is barely interest left for me. Lately I find myself fantasizing about being with lots of other people but I cant seem to get excited about him. I wish I had your problem with people trying to pick me up. I guess no one is interested in a 24 year old mother who is cant seem to shake her pregnancy weight. :( Oh well. I've made my bed, now I must lie in it. (That's really all I want to do in it with my husband next to me.)Sorry, hope I have grossed you out with thoughts of het sex. But good job on staying loyal and sticking to your guns.
Date:June 2nd, 2007 02:24 pm (UTC)
Dear Joe, I kept seeing your messages in discussion of my favorite fanfics, and thought I would check your journal. I am truly sorry you have been ill and I hope your tumor responds to the treatment again. My own brush with a nasty illness which took years to bring under control taught me that one must never lose hope and use all the help one can get to fight it. I hope you stay strong. You know, it may be the drugs you are taking for the tumor that are messing up with your brain chemistry. They did with mine, so I had to go on Prozac to function. After I was allowed off all that, I went natural (found this book useful: Syd Baumel, Dealing with Depression Naturally). But I do not know whether and how the natural way would have worked for my depression with all those drugs in my system.

As a fellow obsessive reader of BBM fanfiction, I cannot help thinking that it must be therapeutical both to write and to read. It certainly works that way for me (that is, reading does, in my case).

You take good care of yourself,

Date:June 2nd, 2007 09:25 pm (UTC)

Thank you

Yes Mariska I try to use alternative medication when and if possible. My doctor in Pittsburgh is all for this and always giving me things to try and places to go. I have used some things from Lilly Dale the spiritual community in Chataqua NY and do find these help out also. The medication to treat the tumor is the lesser of two evils in my book and I do have to take a lot of things to counteract it but I have good and bad days and having all the wonderful people of the brokeback world and my own real world help me to remain positive when I can. I appreciate your words and thank you so much. I have not been on the forums for awhile but I hear that my name comes up at times due to my reading I'm happy about that one day I hope to have the time to read some of the words on the forums people have written someone emailed me a few things recently and made me so happy. Joe
Date:June 3rd, 2007 06:33 pm (UTC)

Re: Thank you

You are most welcome Joe. It’s great you’ve got an open-minded doctor and access to alternative medicine and support from people close and far. I pray it will work and you will beat this thing for good.
Good luck to you! I’ll be checking your journal to see how you are doing—-and reading your comments in fanfics.