life

I have been asked numerous times to write a story for brokeback. I have drabbled on my own and deleted. I do not like my writing as in my comments to all of the stories it seems like a big long rambling of mine. I also have very poor grammar skills. The one story that all through this has stuck in my head I have written about 8000 words. I have it on my computer and I look at it from time to time. Maybe, I should post a little to see what people think. I'm really not sure what to do to do that I'm really not good at the computer stuff.

Then I think well maybe I should just write about my life and my thoughts. That is so personal to me. I have had a good life and I have enjoyed and hated parts like everyone else. This movie, the book and these wonderful stories I read on here about brokeback have given me a new look on life and my life itself. So maybe I will trash what I have written and just write that. Ok well, I'm rambling and I'm home and wanted to read a story update today but none to be found. Ok maybe I will type more into my little story and if someone wants to try reading it and give me an opinion maybe I will publish some of it or all. I do not want to be a someone who post and then never finishes and I have stared at this page of mine for a long time. So maybe input will get my gears working.

Joe

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blank

I had a nice Thanksgiving after all. Yes, I have morned the loss of one of my favorite 13 uncles. But, today I look and think the one silver lining was that I spend Thanksgiving with my family. I was going to spend with Pat's family which is ok but I do miss my own family so much. It is different when you come from a large family compared to Pat's very small family. Mom, did well cooking last minute Thanksgiving and always entertaining and talking to everyone the hostess with the mostess. On Friday I was well very upset at the funeral. So many people it was supposed to be a 1 1/2 hour viewing that turned into 3 hours due to the fact so many wanted to come through the funeral home. Some of my Uncle's friends came as far away as Texas, Florida, South Carolina and well surrounding states as well it truly shows that this man was well loved and thought about. The funeral director told me he ran out of the markers for the cars and had to do every third car due to the fact there were over 300 cars in the procession. I am sorry for my cousins and aunt for the loss of Uncle Tim but I feel guilty for sitting there thinking of all the wonderful things people said about my Uncle and thinking I don't want to do this I don't want to have to be the strong one when my father passes away. I know that the town we are from people love my father and I know it will be just as chaotic at his funeral and I kept thinking I don't have the courage or energy to stand in front of all of these people and let my emotions out. I felt so bad for Gary, he kept hugging me all day and searching for time to talk but with so much going on it never happened until late last night. He needed to unwind and well we were raised like brothers and I guess that is another silver lining since the last few years we have not been as connected he has been envolved with his newest daughter and living in Frederick and all but well cell phone talk is cheap and we finally got to just be and that was good. Ok I'm rambling away boring even myself. Joe

Feeling fine! Saw the doctor on Thursday lots of prodding and testing and lots of needles but that is ok I'm used to that. He thinks things will get back on track again soon with some med changes and then some more test in a few weeks. I have been dealing with this darn tumor for 9 years now and it is cool sometimes our bodies need readjustment to things. He said I should lose the 25 pounds now with the changes the water weight is just a side effect so that is great news maybe i will get into my 34" pants again. I would love that.

In between all the test on Thursday I did get to enjoy the Arts festival in Pittsburgh then went to see the Chihuly show at the Phipps conservatory and it was very impressive as always this is the third or 4th time I have seen one of the Chihuly shows and that man impresses me with the organic form of his glass sculputres and the way they flow in the gardens is amazing I would kill for one piece of his glass but the lowest priced piece I could find was 5100 oh well the charge card could handle but I don't think I could handle the payments who knows maybe a winfall of cash will flow my way. Pat said we could sell a couple antiques but heck that would be like cutting an arm off. Oh well if anyone is in the Pittsburgh region this year stop by it was fantastic. Although the St. Louis show was larger this is very nice also. The day was in the 90's and wonderful until we went to leave Pittsburgh to drive home. Some idiot threatened to blow up the tunnels in Pittsburgh and well that slowed traffic to a hault and then a huge storm blew into town like a hurricane in a small sense garbage cans flying and all. I still got out of the car and ran up the street while waiting in traffic for my Starbucks Pat said I was nuts but it was so worth it. I love my Frappacinos they will be the death of me.

Ok the weekend worked yesterday not much news then read my Brokeback stories I love them all so much.

Today fiddled around the yard so far now waiting for Pat to get out of the shower so we can run up to Chautaqua and see the sites and visit some friends. Hope all is well in the cyber world. Joe

Current Location: Hammock back yard
Current Mood: content
Current Music: birds chiriping in yard

Ok I have been lack in updating my own journal. As usual very busy the last few months with work and all. My co-manager has been off ill and this meant I covered the cell phone 24/7 for 8 weeks non stop and this took a lot out of me personally and physically. She is back and I'm happy and hope the summer goes well at work.

My health has been decling and I think this is due to a couple of things one I just realized today that I have missed two of my medications for over 3 months. I get those refills every three months and never payed attention that two were not sent last time so hopefully once I get back on these I will lose the weight again. I gained over 30 pounds in three months and I'm miserable with this but hoping according to my doctor that getting back on track will help. I also think the lack of time for meditation has done some of this as well. I usually meditate an hour a day but lately I'm lucky if I get 15 minutes to do such enjoyable things. Good news on health is that my eyes have stopped deteriorating and they think that the lazer and gamma surgery have helped stop the tumor from hurting my eyesight anymore. I did not mind most of this treatment it was tough a few days i was stubborn and would have a treatment and then go right to work. My partner would get so mad at me oh well I'm a workaholic.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and dexa scan and some more lab work and hopefully they can get this tumor under control again and I will lose the weight like I did before. This dam thing caused the weight gain before and well hopefully with the treatment will help out. I'm not obese but I'm not very happy with being bloated all the time. Going from 36" pants in the morning to 40 by night is a pain in the ass also I have been buying two pair of pants and keeping in my car so I can change as I bloat throughout the day but that is sort of fun also but more laundry.

Not sure but maybe it is health or whatever but I feel so sad most days I have been having more of a hard time dealing with it then I used to. I don't want to go on medication for feeling sad but may have to do so. The brokeback stories still inspire me to try and do things that I never did before I try reaching out to people and loving those around me more. The stories I know some think I'm crazy that over a year now almost 18 months of reading daily well they are great. I cannot get enough and it seems I crave them at times. Some writers say I should try writing but then that would cut into my time reading and not sure I want to do that. I do have a few things on my word that I have written but as most who know me my grammar is horrible.

Family life. Pat and I have been tolerating each other more back into the slump. We did talk a little about wether we stay together for comfort and security or love and well it is a mixture of all of these things. We do get along together and enjoy things together but well we get on each others nerves a lot and his control issues are still very hard to deal with. Yes, I'm no prince in being loyal to our sexual relationship anymore the last two years anyhow out of 12. I have been better lately and it seems the more I try and avoid those situations they appear before me but I have resisted the temptation for the past couple of months and am proud to be loyal sexually to him again. Even though it is hard sometimes. I don't know what the attraction is but I have had more young men approach me then when I was a young man as of late. I feel dam ugly but I guess they see beyond my physical looks and see something in me I'm not sure. I don't particularly like younger men but it is tempting when a 20 year old wants to take you out on a date and so forth but again I digress and I avoid and keep my penis in my pants. It is flattering in a way though. It is funny how the world throws these things at you. I am the type of person that well talks with store attendents and cashiers at stores and because I frequent places alot they remember me. Twice in the past month things like this happened.: At my favorite starbucks the one girl their encouraged another co-worker the 20 year old to make a pass at me. She told him that she did not like my partner and thought he was a better match for me. Apparently he told her he liked me and she encouraged this pass. I talked to him and well did not do more and almost did but it worked out. Then last night at dinner at one of our favorite restaurants when I was going to the bathroom the waiter followed me in and made a pass at me. He said he sees the two of us come in all the time and thought maybe I would go out with him and dump my partner of 12 years. I turned this down although he was extremely handsome and is always so nice as a waiter. I don't know why these things keep happening. The two soccer player guys I did play with a couple times last year going to the local college next door came to say goodbye to me a couple of weeks ago and thank me for talking to them like adults and well other things. They are going to try and make a go of being together and wanted one more threeway but I declined and told them to just be themselves and be together. Strange strange strange how the spirits are moving lately. I cannot wait for Lilly dale to open and see what happens this summer. I'm not sure I'm ready but I guess I will have to be ready for what life puts before me.

Ok I have rambled on a bit long and have to get to work so I will go for now. Joe

Current Location: Back Yard in Hammock
Current Mood: indescribable

It is cold and snowy outside so why not continue to bore people. I left off with the holidays it was ok I guess. The last couple of weeks have been prety mundane January stuff. I am really frustrated that they have not picked a new full time for our open position. The position that they talked about with me well I rushed to put in a request for the position and have heard nothing about it yet. I find this weird in its own way. I took this week off to go to NYC to meet my sister who is in from England but she had better plans so here I sit in Erie. I had a nice visit with Jim on Sunday through Tuesday and we really had a nice time shopping getting some great January deals and talking. Of course we ate a lot of great food why as we get older all of our social interaction is over food. I did well and stayed with salads that were ok but had a lot of good things in them. I have been meditating a lot this week and that is good also. Ok well I updated twice in one day how do you like that. Joe

Well, it has been awhile since I updated on my life. I am still yes addicted to all my brokeback stuff, especially all the magnificent fiction writing that is going on all over the place. I still cannot get enough and yes there is never enough time just never enough.

Since I last updated in October a lot of wonderful things have happened. In November I went to light up night with Katie, Pat, Stephen and finally got to meet Stephen and Katie's friend Tom whom I have heard so much about. He is a really nice young man and he has a lot of interest similiar to Pat's so it was a very pleasent evening. We had a later start then normal so unfortunatly we did not get to see all of the events of light up night in Pittsburgh as we usually do but it was still fun just being with good people.

Thanksgiving I worked and we had a very nice dinner with my clients at two of their homes and this was a success as well. It brings me such joy to see these people entertaining for the holidays. When I started working in this program over 10 years ago and worked a holiday it was just another day for these individuals no fanfare nothing. Now they plan and look forward to holidays like everyone else does. This year two different clients hosted Thanksgiving dinners at their homes and they ate lots of food/watched movies or television and talked it was great seeing them interact so well and I think it made it better for my staff as well who also worked. Yes, the food they prepared and served may not have been well lets just say like our own homeade fancy feast but the point of working with developmentally disabled adults who live independently is that they learn to do things themselves and yes it is easier to teach them to make stove top stuffing instead of real stuffing and to buy prepared pies and so forth then making it all the Martha Stewart way and the Turkeys turned out fine.

December was a whilwind like all Decembers not only getting my personal life in order for the big events but all the individuals and their events. On December 17, they had a very nice dinner at the Erie Maennechor club and this year I did not have to sing so that saved a lot of people's ears from hearing me singing and the clients sang for entertainment at the dinner then we moved to the Avalon Ballroom to enjoy dancing to DJ's and socializing it was a spectacular event that they all seemed to enjoy then a few staff joined me for a drink afterwards which was nice being social with some staff I'm normally not social with. Even if I had to bribe them to let me buy them one round and I actually had a drink which is rare these days but only one.

Christmas was busy our friend Randy came to town on the 22nd and Caroline came to well sort of spend the night drinking wine and talking until 4 am 3 days in a row even though I had to work some of these days it was great fun catching up with old friends. On Christmas Eve I drove to my parents and we had a quiet nice time since my sister stayed in England for the holiday. We visited two of my Great Aunts and they were very excited to have company also my Uncle Bob and his Wife came to town for the holiday and we played pinocle and sequence and ate way too much and talked and laughed the night away. The rest of my fathers 10 brothers and sisters do not usually come back to Clearfield anymore and stay in their hometowns but a few did come after the holidays to see my parents and go to events. I left Clearfield on Christmas day and drove back to Erie and enjoyed Christmas night with Pat's family and Pat's Ex my good friend Jim was home for the holidays and stayed with us as well. He bought me a very nice lithograph and two wonderful bottles of wine for my collection some day I will open these great wines I hope but I am always afraid to drink too much with my pills I take but what the heck we only live once and I love a good bottle of wine or scotch. Jim knows we love artwork and the lithograph his fantastic he gave Pat one also. I really enjoy visiting with Jim if we were not good friends we could have been lovers a long time ago. Some do not understand how I can let my partners Ex come and stay with us and spend holidays but he is like family and so that is the way it is. New Years all of our plans were well in the mud at the last minute but never fear we had a nice quiet dinner at a nice restaurant then home to watch the ball fall down. I then got terribly ill with stomach problems but I survived just felt miserable for an entire day. My doctor called 3 times from Japan he is still worried about some of my reactions to my new medecines for my tumor. I have been shaking more often and find it hard to concentrate sometimes but overall I'm still walking and I feel good most of the time so I'm not going to let it get me down. One little brain tumor is not going to do this guy in. My eyes are feeling a bit better also the laser treatments are doing a wonderful job and I love my new glasses even though most people do not say anything since they are almost invisible I spent way too much money on them but I love them. Only two more laser treatments on the eyes and hopefully all will be better. It worried me when they said I lost 70 percent of my vision in 6 months the tumor can do that but I think they have reversed the process pretty well thank god for great hospitals and great doctors. Too anyone who ever reads this do not go on the advice of one doctor look for others opinions. If I listened to my first docotor years ago I may have ended up in a wheelchair but I dance, do what I want and am living life and actually I have lost most of the weight that the tumor affected with my thyroid. I admit I gained 24 pounds over the holidays but I ate what I wanted so that did it. I will work it off and heck I was flirted with several times recently so I must look pretty good for a 42 year old man.

Ok well I hope to update again soon just wanted to clear my mind on things oh next time I will talk about the possible job change. joe

Well, it has been awhile since I updated on my life. I am still yes addicted to all my brokeback stuff, especially all the magnificent fiction writing that is going on all over the place. I still cannot get enough and yes there is never enough time just never enough.

Since I last updated in October a lot of wonderful things have happened. In November I went to light up night with Katie, Pat, Stephen and finally got to meet Stephen and Katie's friend Tom whom I have heard so much about. He is a really nice young man and he has a lot of interest similiar to Pat's so it was a very pleasent evening. We had a later start then normal so unfortunatly we did not get to see all of the events of light up night in Pittsburgh as we usually do but it was still fun just being with good people.

Thanksgiving I worked and we had a very nice dinner with my clients at two of their homes and this was a success as well. It brings me such joy to see these people entertaining for the holidays. When I started working in this program over 10 years ago and worked a holiday it was just another day for these individuals no fanfare nothing. Now they plan and look forward to holidays like everyone else does. This year two different clients hosted Thanksgiving dinners at their homes and they ate lots of food/watched movies or television and talked it was great seeing them interact so well and I think it made it better for my staff as well who also worked. Yes, the food they prepared and served may not have been well lets just say like our own homeade fancy feast but the point of working with developmentally disabled adults who live independently is that they learn to do things themselves and yes it is easier to teach them to make stove top stuffing instead of real stuffing and to buy prepared pies and so forth then making it all the Martha Stewart way and the Turkeys turned out fine.

December was a whilwind like all Decembers not only getting my personal life in order for the big events but all the individuals and their events. On December 17, they had a very nice dinner at the Erie Maennechor club and this year I did not have to sing so that saved a lot of people's ears from hearing me singing and the clients sang for entertainment at the dinner then we moved to the Avalon Ballroom to enjoy dancing to DJ's and socializing it was a spectacular event that they all seemed to enjoy then a few staff joined me for a drink afterwards which was nice being social with some staff I'm normally not social with. Even if I had to bribe them to let me buy them one round and I actually had a drink which is rare these days but only one.

Christmas was busy our friend Randy came to town on the 22nd and Caroline came to well sort of spend the night drinking wine and talking until 4 am 3 days in a row even though I had to work some of these days it was great fun catching up with old friends. On Christmas Eve I drove to my parents and we had a quiet nice time since my sister stayed in England for the holiday. We visited two of my Great Aunts and they were very excited to have company also my Uncle Bob and his Wife came to town for the holiday and we played pinocle and sequence and ate way too much and talked and laughed the night away. The rest of my fathers 10 brothers and sisters do not usually come back to Clearfield anymore and stay in their hometowns but a few did come after the holidays to see my parents and go to events. I left Clearfield on Christmas day and drove back to Erie and enjoyed Christmas night with Pat's family and Pat's Ex my good friend Jim was home for the holidays and stayed with us as well. He bought me a very nice lithograph and two wonderful bottles of wine for my collection some day I will open these great wines I hope but I am always afraid to drink too much with my pills I take but what the heck we only live once and I love a good bottle of wine or scotch. Jim knows we love artwork and the lithograph his fantastic he gave Pat one also. I really enjoy visiting with Jim if we were not good friends we could have been lovers a long time ago. Some do not understand how I can let my partners Ex come and stay with us and spend holidays but he is like family and so that is the way it is. New Years all of our plans were well in the mud at the last minute but never fear we had a nice quiet dinner at a nice restaurant then home to watch the ball fall down. I then got terribly ill with stomach problems but I survived just felt miserable for an entire day. My doctor called 3 times from Japan he is still worried about some of my reactions to my new medecines for my tumor. I have been shaking more often and find it hard to concentrate sometimes but overall I'm still walking and I feel good most of the time so I'm not going to let it get me down. One little brain tumor is not going to do this guy in. My eyes are feeling a bit better also the laser treatments are doing a wonderful job and I love my new glasses even though most people do not say anything since they are almost invisible I spent way too much money on them but I love them. Only two more laser treatments on the eyes and hopefully all will be better. It worried me when they said I lost 70 percent of my vision in 6 months the tumor can do that but I think they have reversed the process pretty well thank god for great hospitals and great doctors. Too anyone who ever reads this do not go on the advice of one doctor look for others opinions. If I listened to my first docotor years ago I may have ended up in a wheelchair but I dance, do what I want and am living life and actually I have lost most of the weight that the tumor affected with my thyroid. I admit I gained 24 pounds over the holidays but I ate what I wanted so that did it. I will work it off and heck I was flirted with several times recently so I must look pretty good for a 42 year old man.

Ok well I hope to update again soon just wanted to clear my mind on things oh next time I will talk about the possible job change. joe

Current Location: Family room looking at the yard

Ok now I was horribly mad yesterday and well stayed up almost all night very upset and today has not been much different I'm so depressed over Niagra Falls. I know part of the problem is me I should not have lost my temper I do not lose it very often but when I do people should look out because I'm vicious I admit it. I really do not like this side of my personality when it comes out and today it has really botherd me all day. Pat tried to take me to dinner tonight at Colony which was nice but I just did not have an appetite for anything. What a screwed up individual I am. I sit here and fantasize about how life should be differnt and I think how can I make life different but nothing changes I just go on day after day. I need a change and I don't know how to do it I don't think I'm strong enough anymore and now I know why when I watch people in their 40-50-60's and I see the look on their face that all their dreams have vanished and they just exist I do not want to end up like that I like my dreams and hopes and desires. Please do not let me end up this way. My stupid health I think is punshing me I found out today that most of my bones in my foot are fractured this is probably due to fact the osteoperosis and the fact I have been walking more and more lately trying to get healthier but why do I have to get this setback? I did walk today even with the pain but now I'm paying for it sitting here with a throbbing ache in my foot. Oh well guess I will just move on with life and continue to try not to fall into the trap of being a zombie. Joe

Current Mood: distressed

I'm sorry I may be a stubborn man and well I know I have a temper but I lost it yesterday and I regret it a lot but I'm still mad as hell.

For 6 months I have told Pat's Aunt and Mother that all I wanted to do for my birthday was for all of us to go to Niagra falls and gamble and have a nice dinner at Wolfgang Pucks. On my birthday they gave me a few nice gifts which I appreicate but, then when we were supposed to go our great neighbor passed away and we had to cancel the plans to help out with the funeral and stuff. No big deal that was ok so we made plans to go yesterday to Niagra Falls.

Day started out ok we left and were heading up when Pat's Aunt said no way she and Maragaret were going to eat at such a fancy place and they were going to have a hot dog or something at the casino and that was that. Pat reminded her that this was Joe's special dinner and this was what he wanted for them to have a nice dinner and that he was paying for dinner anyway so not to worry. They said they did not want to go to dinner and thought it was a waste of money. Pat reminded them that this was Joe's birthday and his Aunt said his birthday was 3 weeks ago and that was that. Pat reminded her that yes it was but due to the fact of the funeral and the fact that Joe works like almost every weekend this was the only weekend to go. She and his mother both said you two do as you please do not expect them to go and pay 30 for a dinner. Pat said again that he would pay but they said no one was paying for their dinner and that they would not eat. I lost it at this point but held my tongue then a few minutes after some peace they started up again they were not going to eat this is after we were on the road for 45 minutes. I lost it and said some horrible things and used my most vicious tone of voice. I first stated that well it is ashame that with everyone else's birthday in this family the person picks a nice restaurant and everyone goes I reminded them that many a time over 11 years I have eaten at their favorite restaurants and said nothing. Then his mother said don't ruin our vacation day. I reminded her that this was not her day this was my day and she has every weekend off to do things and this was my one and only out of the next 6 weeks. I also stated that they were both selfish and I insisted that Pat turn around and take me home. This did not work he kept on going and we rode in absolute silence until we arrived in Niagra Falls New York and then Pat asked to make sure everyone had their photo ID well his mother did not so we did not want to risk going over to the Canadian side with her not having her ID. So we dropped them off at the Seneca Casino and Pat and I parked and walked along the New York side. It was gloomy depressing and well I don't spend much time on the American side it is really sad the entire area is extremely depressing and they do not even have a Starbucks or well they don't have anything really. My foot is very sore which this morning I found out I have a facture in my foot probably from the Osteoperosis and I have been walking more and more lately so that made me mad also. I really do not like Casino's and well I was not in the mood anyhow so after 3 hours we went to look for them and after an hour we found them Pat wanted to gamble so I said I was going to car and rest he got mad said I should stay and gamble I said I was in no mood and that he and his mother and aunt were the ones who liked to gamble and his mother said I don't need to gamble and I reminded her of the fact she is the one at Bingo 3 times a week and plays lottery tickets constantly but she could not afford a 30 dollar dinner. Then left.

No good restaurants in Niagra New York either so we ended up at this dumb diner and home again. I'm still pissed off.

Joe

Current Mood: pissed off

Ok I got up this morning and thought ok here I go b ack to work. What am I going to do today? I don't know but I guess I have to face it all after all. I'm not sure why work is bothering me so badly lately I usually handle it with an optomistic look at things. I think it is called the burnout of working with developmentlally disabled adults and the burn out of staff. I know when I left last Tuesday that I would be needed to write up 6 staff. I hate doing that so badly it just upsets me so much. Ok well now I have sat here long enough so guess I better go face my demons.
As for my 7 days off I don't think I said what I did. Well, the first day was sad our neighbor passed away he was 95 years old and married to the same women for 69 years they were what in my eyes you could consider the ideal couple so in love after all those years. So it changed our plans some to help her out with the situation since her children live so far away. Wednesday met my parents at Grove city for some shopping then a nice dinner with Pat meeting us at the Iron Bridge Inn. Thursday I had lots of errands for my apartment buildings trying to get them in shape for winter also decided to get hair cut but the beauticians did not want to cut all of my hair off. I have kept it short for years but in the last 8 months have decided to go longer again before it turns gray. So just a trim. Thursday Pat and I went to dinner and that was nice. Friday Pat and I drove to Pittsburgh and had lunch at Macy's(Kauffmann's) then shopped and found some nice things. Next stop was to Phipps conservatory and they were in between summer show and fall show and it was as always a very nice time. Back to Erie where Pat's family gathered at his house and gave me my birthday gifts and we shared some cake. Simple the way I like it. Saturday we did not go to Niagra falls as planned since we were pal bearers for our neighbor. His wife was so grateful for our assistance in the last few days and they had a nice brunch after the funeral. Took a ride around Chataqua lake and had a great dinner at DAvisons that afternoon. Sunday we drove to Cooks forest and met my parents at the Gateway lodge with Heidi and Sharon then a nice hike in the woods such a glorious fall day it was and so beautiful. Monday I got depressed read more brokeback stories then went to Heidi and Sharon's for dinner and my weekly shot. I was upset because they did get the house in Barcelona they wanted and will be moving in a few months. Tuesday I wallowed in self pity then went out with pat for pizza and starbucks and today I sit here dreading going back to work. Oh what have I done with my life. Joe

Current Location: home in my chair
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: nickel back far away

Ok well I told you all about my vacation and stuff. Well, since then it has been back to work and all. Work is well just plain sucks the big one. Being the manager of it all you would think that I would get a better set of hours to work. But, I make the terrible mistake of letting my cohort do most of the schedule and it sucks. I have 2 weekends off out of 10 weeks. I'm so dam pissed off about it I could spit nails. We had discussed holidays and I told her since my sister was not coming home from England over Christmas I would work Christmas but I wanted Thanksgiving off well the bitch went and scheduled herself on another cruise for Thanksgiving and now I'm stuck working that holiday so I'm sure now I will get Christmas off which I do not need. Oh well so much for my sister coming in from England and all guess she will have to see me for short period instead of a full day of fun with her. Sorry, to go on about this but I'm so sick and tired of playing up to this at work it really is getting to me.

Ok onto brighter things the main reason I have not spent much time updating is because yes to all of you I'm still caught up in Brokeback addiction beyond my belief. I spend every waking moment I can spare reading all the great slash fiction on Brokebackslash/Wranglers/FFfiction.net/Dave Cullen forum and so forth. Pat thinks I'm in some serious trouble mentally since all I do is stay up late at night reading and reading and reading. I don't know what to say though I have thid urge to continue on and just read everything I can. I don't know how to explain all of this in my entire life I have never been affected by anything more. Some writers have messaged me asking me to write my own story. I have pondered at times if I should or should not try. I love to write even though my grammar is horrible and well I have the longest run on sentenances of anyone I know. Who knows maybe I will try and write something but I would need a beta to review it first before posting anywhere. I have so much in my head on this brokeback stuff but basically it is how I feel I should do something more with my life. Yeah some say Joe you do a lot you work with developmentally disabled adults you also work with a great staff and you try and influnce them to be the best they can be. But, what do I actually do? That is the big question.

Other notes and things: Well, in the middle of all of this I turned 42 last Wednesday and I hate 42 more then 40 you see Elvis died at 42, my paternal grandmother died at 42, all of my 13 aunts and uncles have had major heart problems at 42, 2 of my cousins have had serious illness happen at 42. I am just worried I guess who knows die young and leave a good looking corpse maybe that is my future. I don't think so I always have had this inner thing telling me that their was more for me to do in this world and something that would really make a difference. I don't know what that is and I am letting the spirits guide me to this. Also I have been getting depressed my dear friends Heidi and Sharon who over the 25 years I have known them they have moved away and come back to Erie numerous times but they are selling their home again and moving and this depresses me something terrible. December winds are coming and Stephen is going to graduate and move on also so back to just Joe and Pat again. I don't know if I can handle just Joe and Pat again even though as of late I have not done a lot with any of my friends just knowing they are around is enough for me. Why isn't Joe and Pat enough? Oh well these are all things going through my crazy wicked mind most days and yes maybe I should see a psychatrist or lock myself away or maybe I should just put on my cowboy hat and ride off into the mountains and find myself an Ennis. Oh but if dreams did come true, I'm a strange person I love the mountains and the country but boy I love the city as well. I guess we could consider high rise buildings as mountains and if I take the steps that would be like climging. Hmm, maybe it is time to try NYC and move on with my life. I don't know if anyone knows why Joe is living on this earth please speak now or forever hold your peace. I guess I will just go to STarbucks and drown in another frappacino and see where life takes me. Bless anyone who has the courage to read any or all of this. Joe

Ok so I bored anyone reading this with my trip this summer. Well, the trip was fun and all and I did have a lot of time to think about a lot of things. It was extremely difficult also. As the world knows I have changed a lot since January when I first saw Brokeback mountain and well it still is affecting me daily. I cannot get some of the great stories out of my head that I read on different web sites and I'm so involved in reading everything I can on the subject and listening to the music and all it just has overwhelmed me to the point that I sometimes wonder if I'm a robot just running during the day and when alone and late at night a person who is living in a dream like state of Brokeback mountain. On Dave Cullen I used to write a lot of my feelings and get a lot of feedback but I cannot even bring myself to visit the site lately I was so upset I did not make it to the Brokeback BBQ in Texas.

In my relationship I have tried to make things right by Pat. I tried so hard on vacation to truly be there for him in every way possible. He is a good man I know that and he is caring. We all have our own faults and no relationship is picture perfect and as powerful as Brokeback. Yeah our boys had problems and so forth but the one thing that was so true and no amount of problems it always came back that you could count on the fact that they loved each other from the inside out.

I don't know if that kind of love is every really possible in the real world but I do believe it can be. So here is the question I face do I make life altering deciions and change everything in my life to look for that one great love. Secondly, do I maintain my current status of being somewhat happy and living a comfortable life. Third do I let fate take care of itself and ride the wave of life and see where it takes me. These are what it comes down to for me at this moment in my life as the days tick by and in just 4 more days I will be 42 years old. I don't know whey 42 is such an important age for me, maybe it is the age Elvis died? Maybe it is because my natural grandmother died at age 42? Maybe it is because out of 13 Aunts and Uncles 9 of them had heart attacks at age 42? Maybe, it is just being middle aged well that is if I plan on living to 84 which is the age that always stuck in my head as a good age to strive for. Who knows but a lot is going through my mind so much so that sometimes I think I need to let it all go and just live. But, the eternal question how do you live when life throws tomatoes at you all the time. I know some say Joe you have a good life you have more then most people in the world. You have had more experiences in your life then most people do. You know more people then most. Yeah, I'm thankful from a very young age I have had the opportunity to do a lot of things and live a lot more then some. But, I never meant to be that way it just happened I'm not the type to sit on my butt and wait for things to happen I usually make things happen and go for it. So should I? I don't know what to do but maintain status quoe at this point and time. Hmm, what to do what to do. Ok will write more later and hopefully not put others to sleep.

Joe

Current Location: home
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Far away

Ok where to begin since June when I last updated: Well, Pat and I had our annual 4th of July party and it was smaller then normal but it was fun and we enjoyed the company of many friends and relatives as usual it threatened rain up until the last minute then turned out to be a very pleasent evening and well the wine was very good this year and the food was good as well if I do say so myself. Hate to brag but this is the one time I like to cook when company around. July went pretty quickly did not get much swimming in this summer which I really missed it just seems life has kept me so busy with work I feel like it swallowed me whole and it not letting me out for breath and partially because I'm still so stuck in the Brokeback realm of life. I come home at night and try and do normal things then usually late in evening I start reading the great stories here on live journal or on fficiton.net and well then I'm up all night again and back to work again the next day. We did take a vacation starting on July 28 and went through August 16. Started out at my family reunion in Clearfield Pa it was very nice seeing all of my large family and all. My sister could not get in from England but saw all my cousins and aunts and Uncles and well if you read my journal you know I have a large family. Pat gets a little intimated being around all those laughing people who just love to hug and kiss not Pat's kind of family but I love them all to death. He also gets funny when people ask how we are and stuff, but heck they all love us to death. Being he is a psychologsit people are alwasy asking him questions about stuff this bothers him also since being a psychologist you cannot base an opinion off a few remarks or questions. We went to the Clearfield county fair and it was a lot of fun but so hot it was hard to walk through all the animal barns but made me long for being near animals again. Next we left for Chicago IL. We took my car which is a small Neon to save on gas mileage but I hated driving in that heavy traffic with a small stick shift it kept up very well. We stopped in Marshall Michicgan to visit the antique shops and had a nice lunch then off to Chicago well the weather was extremely hot this entire vacation so excuse me if I repeat that. They had black out that day since the heat and electric overload we spent most of the day on Navy Pier trying to be near a breeze but it was warm. Then the next day shopping the miracle mile and of course Marshall Fields which we both love and will miss it when it becomes a Macy's I know they say it will not change but I'm in fear it will. Bought some great shirts and stuff at Nordstrom Rack I love bargains getting designer clothing at a fraction of the cost. Then off to St. Louis never was in St. Louis before and well I was in awe of the ARCH and wanted to see if for years I always loved things like that. They had just had a horrible storm the week before so a lot of debris and stuff in the town and surrounding areas. Yes, I went up the arch and took so many pictures I think I could fill a hard drive on just the arch. Pat got clausterphobic but I was enthralled. We took a nice riverboat cruise thinking it would be cool but it was not this was our only fight this trip and that was good even though I wanted to throw him in the Mississsippi and I think he wanted to do the same with me. The best part of this trip besides the arch and the train station and Anneheiser bush was the Missouri Botanical gardens they had Chihuly in the gardens and well I have always loved Botanical gardens and this one was fantastic I recommend visiting to anyone and the glass that Dale Chihuly does I always loved when he did Glass on Venice a few years ago I saw that and well this was much better he keeps getting more creative and doing more imaginative things with glass every time I see his exhibts and next year he will be in the Phipps gardens near me so Yahoo!. We were lucky to be at the conservatory on Chihully night which they had extra entertainment and a demonstration of how they made the glass and so forth. It was fantastic and I loved it. We stopped in St. Charles MO also very historic and of course the home of where Lewis and Clark returned home from there trip also the former captitol of MO. Very nice town and lots of nice restaurants. Then off to Columbia MO for the annual antique lamp show this was what Pat was looking forward to and yes he made a lot of contacts with other lamp collectors and dealers and hopefully found another one of his rare lamps to buy from a guy in Michigan. He always wants the rarest things according to so many dealers but that is ok. We drove through the Lake of the Ozarks did not stay it was way too hot and well Pat does not like water so off to Springfield MO and spent the night then onto Mansfield to see Laura Ingalls Wilder home. Last year we visted her home in Walnut grove this year Mansfield where she wrote her books and visited her grave. It was nice Pat was extremely happy I was too hot to care to be honest but I guess nice. Then across back roads over to Tennessee we spent the night in Nashville and visited the "Hermitage" The home of Andrew Jackson. Since my Uncle collects Federal homes and is putting all 7 on for house tours when he is done we love to visit them as well and compared to Uncle Bills 3 plantations this one was average but it was nice it was all accurate and well very nicely laid out. I forgot we visited 3 homes in St. Louis and one in Fulton and so on. We did stop at Grand Ole Opry to browse around the museum then headed to Lexington KY and only stayed a day then off to Huntington WV to the art museum. It is a very nice museum for such a mall town and the glass they have for display is fantastic and since collecting antique glass is another passion of both Pat and I we really enjoyed a lot. We stopped at Charleston WV for dinner then headed up to Erie again for a day to get some business done for a day. Then off to NYC. We had not planned on staying in NYC but spent a night anyhow the traffic was bad so we drove into Manhatten got a room and well walked around our favorite spots in the village and soho of course enjoyed great food and so forth actually wish we would have spent a few more days in NYC but we go there enough I guess it is ok. Then off to Boston well the traffic was so bad we ended up staying outside of Providence at a cheap and lousy motel. I fooled Pat the next day I called this guy I have been talking to on the internet for well over a year he is a harvard boy and Pat accuses me of flirting with him but he tells me he is not gay. I suspect he is but why would a very smart 26 year old guy want to talk to a 41 year old social worker form Erie I don't know but we do and he is very nice. We met at my favorite lunch spot the Parker house motel in Boston of course we had the parker house rolls and the place where they invented the Boston Creame pie and I love the fact that JFK proposed to Jackie in that dining room. Justin was great in person as well as on line and on the phone. We really had a lovely meal and visit. I forgot on this trip Pat wanted to visit all the department stores he could and in St. Louis we went to Famous and Barr to eat and shop so in Boston we visited Filiene's before it closed they are closing that building since Macy's is right next door I feal the bells will never ring again on the side of the building. We visited a historic home in Boston also one we never did before and the name is escaping me at this time. Next stop Newburyport to see Pat's step sister Wendy in her 1795 gristmill turned home and well she was getting the last steps done on her landscaping since two magaizines were coming to photograph for displays she has really enhanced the property in the years she has lived there. We were going to visit Beaumont in Glouchester but ended up in Ipswitch visiting two historic homes there instead while Wendy has some stuff to do. Of course as usual it was a very pleasent trip and on this part we took the new Jeep Grand Cherokee Pat does not want to be outdone by Wendy and her Yuppie ways I don't care how much money a person has but Pat did not want to take my car he wanted his fancy car for her. It was cool but I get tired of the fakeness of people who only talk about brand of this and that. Knowing people with old money they rarely talk about it like young people who do this but I played along and it was ok. Yes, of course on this entire trip I had my Moccha Frappacino at Starbucks everywhere I went. I actually strated writing reviews on the different Starbucks we visited and sent it to the corporate office. I took the laptop with me but I promised Pat I would not do the Brokeback thing on the trip even thoug a few times I got up in the middle of night to read some of the stories. We stopped at Hampton Beach to admire the boys on day then headed for Burlington VT. Here we found a great antique store we never saw before and the guy said he has been there for 40 years and well with all our trips to Burlington I'm suprised we missed it oh it was a treasure trove of fun. Of course we had dinner at Lunigs on the main street one of our favorite places and shopped the shops and enjoyed the street muscicians as usual I love Burlington such a wonderful place. Took the fairy boat to NY and well it was late and did not get to go through the Ausable Chasm this year maybe next. So off to Lake Placid for a late dinner then they confused our reservation so we drove onto Tupper lake and stayed at a little motel that had those quaint 50's style cabins I loved because at least they had high speeed internet and spent that night trying to catch up on my brokeback stories. We toured the new museum in Tupper lake called the "Wild Museum of the Adirondaks" Well it opened in July and it is a beautiful building and well eventually the walking trails and the displays should be quite nice I do not think a museum should open until fully running and they did not even have adequate parking or restrooms or so on. They opened way too soon and when I talked to the people at the museum they said they did not think they would attract the crowds they did and figured they would just open and they were incorrect. I told the director that was a mistake because now all these people will go home and tell others how bad it was. I was so dissapointed but I did promise the director to come back in a year or so and try again. Our neighbor back home had donated a lot of the land for the museum and quite a bit of money since Tupper Lake was her hometown and she had donated the park in tupper lake a few years ago. She is 93 now and cannot make the trip and she had arranged for our tour since she has VIP privelages so that is why I got an ear with the director. I tried to be diplomatic but was so dissapointed in it. I did not let our neighbor know this I sort of played along that it was still underconstruction and should be so much better later on. We stopped in Watertown having lunch at the CRystal a historic place to eat that is very nostalgic of things from the 1920's. Then we took a long leisurely drive across route 20 on the way home instead of the highway to admire all the great finger lakes even though not much time to stop at each we did get to a few shops and things on the way.

Ok I have typed too much will promise to update soon. Joe

Current Location: Home in chair
Current Mood: relaxed
Current Music: Far away

Well, I worked today and it was a Ok day but I feel my age or hopefully it is my weakness from my health condition. One of my clients whose eyesight has degraded a lot in the past few years has really wanted to go for a bike ride but impossible with his eyesight so we rented one of those two seater surrey type bikes at the Penninsula and rode it what the guy at the rental told us 11 miles today and OH My those things are much more difficult to peddle then a normal bike only one gear and he did not peddle much so even though two sets of peddles it was pretty much a lonely deal. He really had fun and it was beautiful day on the Penninsula we are so blessed for having this great natural park in our city. I did get pooped on by a seagull and my client laughed for almost 20 minutes and kept laughing every so often afterwards. I had to go in restroom take shirt off and wash out shirt and stuff felt good putting on a wet shirt though with 90 degree tempertures and all the peddling. But when in restroom, I was trying to wash out shirt and my shorts fell down I have lost weight and even though I had a belt on when I was reaching over they slid down and it would have to be when restroom full of people and me of course who wears no underwear well it was funny because this kid with his dad said something funny then I could not stop laughing. All the laughter today was great, I thought my client could drive the surrey but then we almost hit a few people so I took over again then we found this really nice couple to take our picture on it and he so liked that.

Well, just thought I would update since it has been awhile since I laughed so hard and it was fun so thought I should give some good stuff here.

Joe

Well it has been awhile since updating. I have been consumed reading everything I can on Brokeback still on "Wranglers" Brokeslash" and Bot/fiction.net. I still visit Dave Cullen's forum on Brokeback mountain at times also. So my computer time has been devoted to that mostly instead of updating profiles and stuff.

Life, Well, I have been having a lot of problems with my tumor again and the doctors have been switching my medicine almost weekly it seems thank god I have decent health insurance but even with that the co-pays are $35.00 each on medicine and the lab work 50.00 so I have been working for medical expenses the last few months. The doctor tells me that he thinks it should get better soon. I still do not want to have the thing removed since I would be out of work for 6 weeks and I also have a 95 percent chance of losing my sight or being unable to walk. So I will put up with the problem for now. I hate feeling weak though and it takes every ounce of my energy to just walk across the room lately even though I have been forcing myself to walk as much as possible it just wears me out to no end by the time I am done with work I'm like beat. I try and not let people at work know anything is wrong but my supervisor has noticed the change and got quite upset with me the other day when she was walking with me. Oh well life goes on and I'm not giving up yet I just need a Frappacino and to keep on walking.

Work, is work I'm happy that Katie is going to be working with me at the center I think she will do fine also I think it will make Stephen happy having his best friend working at the office as well. I miss Stephen and my chats but, I know how it is when you have a boyfriend. Difference then partner I have a partner. Boyfriend is the first year you are still happy to see them on a daily basis and you spend 99 percent of your free time with them and ignore all other people. partner is not much different except you want to spend more time with your friends and alone time but your partner is always there even though you like it most of the time it becomes like an albatross around your neck. Anyway I'm sure one day we will chat again and that will be good.

My parents have been living up retirment going to vegas, florida and Atlantic city, NYC and Cape may new jersey just in the last 5 weeks. They also seem to have all there weeks tied up through summer which I'm glad they are enjoing so much. They keep saying they are spenidng my inheritence I keep telling them I want them too spend every penny of it and enjoy life as much as possible they are so wonderful I base my ideal on there relationship which I think is the best I have ever seen. Maybe oneday I will have that but Please not with a women I'm way over that even though sometimes a nice pear of breast does catch my eye. Oh get that out of your head Joe.

Cannot remember if I updated on Denver guy. Well, we had a nice lunch and even though most think I'm a complete slut I did not sleep with him. I sort of regret it now after he is back in Denver but oh well. It was very nice and he bought me a book I love and will cherish he remembered I had a thing for Edger allen Poe and stuff and to be honest I really have not read my poe books in like 18 years but at one time I was enthralled with it all. It was a first addition and will go well with my other first additoin poe books. It was really sweet to think he remembered that after all this time. He also gave me flowers and took me to starbucks for my frapp. We chatted and it was really nice. He is too sweet and too nice for me. As you may know I like bad boys and real men. He is older then me but, he is well lets just say to typical gay for me. Not a swish or anything but he just likes the gay lifestyle too much for my taste, give me a rough and tumble guy who really likes to be a man do manly things I know I collect antiques and love my garden but i like camping and white water rafting and hiking in woods and I do not get bent out of shape when my hair is a mess I do not mind getting dirty or chopping wood or whatever, I just do not think I could move to Denver either even though he said the Rodeo is fun and he is planning on learning to ride horses he remembered I rode when I knew him in the past. But, I got thrown by my horse I raised and then attacked and bit by him almost lost my life that day so I do not ride anymore I keep thinking I might try again but not right now I need to get my health up to par before I take on that again a lot of work taking care of a horse and riding daily.

My sister is nutty as ever she is having sex with 3 different men in England now and cannot decide which one is best. I said in bed or in relationship and she said both. She is really crazy at times she can still hook a decent looking guy at 37. I give her credit though she seems she may actually get this doctorate eventually her work has not ceased on this so that is good.

Well a little update on things. As for today I was lazy on my one day off and just did laundry watered plants and washed and waxed car felt good to just be by myself for a time. Joe

Ok here it goes. It has been awhile since I have written. Not much really new going on except some strange things. I have been of course addicted to Brokeback mountain stuff. I have had some coincidences lately that are strange. I keep running into this one guy my friend Stephen dated for a brief period and we shared a table for subs a couple of times and coffee real nice guy but I am at a total loss of his name. Keep running into him at strange places like when I'm walking along the bay or the other day I was just in a parking lot but he is always very nice and never ask about Stephen so that is good because I don't want to tell him Stephen has a new boyfriend. Very pleasent young man though of course I did not have to date him. Then funny thing was he was jogging past my house today very strange in deed. Oh well, I have been chatting a lot on line lately and that is not a good thing most of it is with other men and luckily they don't all turn to smut like some on-line chats. It think that is why they like chatting with me because I'm not trying to get into their pants. I have been bad though. This one guy kept sending me pictures that I knew were fake and then one day he was what I presume on-line was sobbing how he was so lonely and so forth. So I thought I would go and visit him and show him that I was not joking when I enjoyed talking to him. He wants a boyfriend so badly and all. Well, when I arrived yes he does not look like any of the pictures in fact from the waist up he looks better then the model pictures he sent me. Just a perfect V shaped upper body, broad shoulders, big smile, beautiful eyes and all. The bad part he is in a wheelchair and that is so sad. He broke down crying so happy I came to visit and I told him I was not there for sex but to show him I would be a friend. Well we talked for over an hour. He is only 22 and so nice but when he actually meets guys he likes they are turned off by his chair or treat him like a cripple. He liked that I did not do that but, I told him that was my job I dealt with disabilities all the time and I thought he was capable of doing anything he wanted. Well, this poor guy can get an erection and just undressed himself and wanted me to see his disability. To be honest the only thing wrong was that his legs do not move and are short but from that point on he is totally normal looking except from some spinal surgery marks on the back but he had a cool tatoo to cover those. Well, I don't know why but the next thing you know we were lying on couch holding each other then more happened and the next thing I knew he got up in his chair and I stood up he took his strong arm and tripped me into falling into his lap then he took off wheeling us to his bedroom it was funny me trying to get off this stupid wheelchair and he was pushing with his arms towards the bedroom. Well, I gave in and after more then 4 hours of what I call amazingly wonderful passionate and fun time. I finally forced myself to go home. I talked to him the last hour how I was upset that we did what we did because he knows I have a partner and how since November I have promised to not break that vow until I either ended it or was honest. Then once home he kept calling and texting and im me so we talked for a few more hours. He is accepting of the fact we could not have a relationship, and he realized that me being 41 and him 22 was way too much of an age difference I really do not like what I call Twinky types or young guys in a sexual way my type have always been the well, Ennis Del Mar type sort of ruggedd and manly men not the guys who pierce everything and die their hair 15 colors a year. I admire those guys for their individuality and so forth and find it good they do that but in a sexual way I don't find that all apealing. Even though I did the same thing at that age. Maybe, that is why I don't find it appealing I was like that when younger died my hair had dreadlochs the entire gambit of different fashion on a monthly basis. Oh well, so anyhow I keep talking to this person and when he moves into town in July I promised that we would try and take him to the bar to meet someone his own age. I know this will be difficult but, he has a nice personality and if you don't look down he is very, handsome.

My next coincidence latley has been this other nice guy who keeps chatting and he knows I do not find younger guys apealing sexually so he tells me he is 37 now we have been chatting for 3 months and my intitituion is usually good and thought something was up but our chance to meet was this past weekend since he lives in State college. Well, we met on campus near college avenue and he is actually 24. How do you like those apples. First time in my life fooled by a guy pretending to be older that is supposed to be my gig. Well, I am always honest with my age. Here he really is not working but getting a masters degree and finds the guys his age pretty shallow and boring but, he knew I would not meet if I knew he was younger and I reminded him I was only meeting him as a friend nothing more and luckily because of his living situation that is where it stayed so we walked the entire campus and college avenue and had 3 Mocha Fraps at Starbucks we kept walking back for more and I was bad on my diet and had a cone from the creamery but it was a most enjoyable day of talking and listening and so forth. He again was just amazingly handsome young man, could have been in a porno if he wanted swimmers body great feet and arms and again a smile that melted me why do smiles melt me so. Luckily I kept my composure and refrained from being a cheating lover again. We departed what I hope to be friends and all and we have chatted on line a bit since Sunday but I have been so busy at work not much time for chatting.

Next on the list. I have known this guy Dave for oh about 20 years he and his ex used to do stuff with me and Tony then me and Pat we were not close friends but we attended dinners and movies and parties as couples over the years and I have to admit one time way back oh I think it was 1986 or 1987 we did have a brief sexual encounter nothing really just one of those things. Anyhow our frienship has always been sort of a social thing. Well, about 2 years ago he broke up with his partner, of 16 years well actually his partner ran off with one of their threeways and never looked back. I know Dave hurt over this and I warned him for years threeways are supposed to be annoymous and not people you sort of date then sleep with. But, it happend and really I did not talk to him much in last year since couples do not hang with single guys that much and Pat and I are not real social anymore. Well, last fall he dropped us both a line stating he was selling his house and quitting his job and moving to Denver. Out of no where and suprised everyone since Dave was quite committed to his mother but he left. Well, since he has moved to Denver he has been emailing me and talking on phone and text messaging me like crazy especially since January. Finally this past week. He told me that he knows why his relationship failed because he was always and is in Love with me. He said Brokeback made him not want to hide his affection any longer. OH my I have a problem here. For starters I always found Dave attractive he is 4 years older then me and we have the exact same birthday October 4. He is handsome and keeps his body in shape and all. So that part is all good. I know his faults which are not bad and I know his good side which he has a lot of. Now this is not the first time in my life people have expressed a love for me it happens more then you can imagine. Usually I'm delicate and explain that it would not work and do the friendship thing. In fact most of my friends at one time or another have tried to get in my pants or even succeeded then tried to break me up with my boyfriends which is probably my fault. I'm no great catch but I think because I have been in long term relationships that makes me attractive to some because they think if Joe can stay in a 13 or 11 year relationship even with men he does not love then he is special. That is wrong people that is because Joe is insecure and stupid man. Anyhow Dave, I did not do the friend thing I just thanked him and continued on our conversations and he keeps bringing up he wants me to come to Denver and all the company he works for even offers same sex insurance since he knows my plight with my drugs and he wants me to come to the Gay rodeo on July. I keep telling him it is impossible because Pat and I are actually making progress in fixing our relationship and things are going much better and heck he really did not know we were having problems. So now today my day off, first thing is Kurt joggs by and stops and says hello, then the boy in North East pleads for me to visit again which I refuse, then next the guy in State college calls me and tells me he has never met a more honest and kind person and would do anything for us to meet again. Now Dave tells me since I won't come to Denver he is coming to Erie in 3 weeks and wants to meet for coffee and try and talk me into moving to Denver. Then my sister calls and tells me that she has a job for me in England and I should move there and we found another great price on flights. Now almost done but Pat calls and tells me he misses me. Which is really strange for him to do. The funny part (now I should say Kurt is just a nice guy nothing there more then that) If I were single I know I would probably have no offers like any of the above and I would probably be miserable since I like being around people. Well, that is what has been going on in personal life.

As for work life, well it sucks the big you know what. More stress then I have ever felt in years and it seems no matter what each day more stress and more problems and more heartache. Don't quite understand the balance of the world lately but, will have to figure it out. Stephen emailed and said he will be back for more hours and whip the office into shape next week. I hope so but I almost wonder if it is beyond repair at this time. So many problems, then I was thinking maybe it is my Charma that is throwing things off. Oh well we will have to wait and see.

That is all for now.

Joe

Ok well not much news here just happy to be off on a Saturday finally. You would think being the supervisor I would get the better schedule but it does not work that way or else I'm just stupid. Anyway just happy to be away from work after the worst week in a long time their. The combining of two offices was horrible, not sure I'm going to like it but will have just deal with it.

Well, saw Brokeback for the 40th time this week the last night it closed at Tinseltown but now it is at the dollar theater. Not sure if I'm going to go and see there or not since I usually don't like the crowd of people at Dollar theater they just do not have manners it seems. Oh, well I'm sure the temptation to see on a big screen will lure me to it.

I miss talking to friends and I miss talking with people that are not on the internet. Yeah, I have spent a great deal of time on the Brokeback forums and stuff and finally last night re-visited gay.com it was like a homecoming all these guys wanting to know what I was up too. Thought I had some super sex thing going on when sex is the furtherst thing on my mind lately. Oh well, they are the same and I realzie they are all screwed up no matter how much I try and talk to them. Although the two young guys well they are not young now who I introduced to each other about 3 years ago on Gay.com emailed me and said they are still together and very happy. They also invited me to dinner in a month so that was nice. They are such sweet guys. I love it when people are happy and in-love. I question daily if I ever really felt that passion for one person. I do feel I love a lot of people in different ways but I really do not think I loved anyone the way Ennis and Jack loved each other. Yes, I have had incredible sex and have had moments where I miss someone terribly but it is more of a missing due to the fact I just have not talked to them or miss seeing them. But, it never coincides with sex and seeing them. Some of the people I care most about in the world I could not even imagine having sex with. Oh I know just a fucked up Joe again. Such as it may be. I am feeling good having the day off and relaxing and so forth. Well, off to Niagra Falls for the day may jump in who knows. Not really but it is the one place that almost always makes me feel good. Well, besides the ALPS but I cannot easily get to Switzerland today so Niagra Falls will do. Hope everyone is well and remember love is out there we just have to find it. Joe

Current Mood: confused

I have spent a lot of time on the Brokeback forums lately as many may know. Well, their has been all this conversation of how so many states including our own PA are trying to block homosexuals from being married or have a civil union or to adopt children and even to have the right to have a job. Well, this upsets me then I read in Ohio our neighboring state one man is favored to win for congress and his main point of platform is to have gays arrested and ban gay bars and gay hot spots and throw them in jail as imoral. Our we turning backward or what? Also I have found on these forums so many caring straight people and one in particular was a mother and father of a gay son who did not really understand him until they saw this movie. They have been subject of gay bashing in their town of Austin Texas since they posted a letter to the editor asking for more tolerance. This is supposed to be the most progressive gay city in Texas. I find this horrible. We need to take a stance and make people realize that we are human beings and deserve the same rights as everyone does. Last night I attended a training session on HIV and AIDS at LECOM a medical college. Well, in the audience I saw several gay men who are in the closet one of them even dated a friend of mine and was sitting with me until I stood up and spoke how I'm a gay 41 year old man who was in NYC when we first saw people starting to get what we thought was a strange flu this was before we knew what it was. Then I told my story, he moved away from my seat not wanting to be associated with a gay man I guess in his school environment. I don't care then I was yelled at in the parking lot talking to my supervisor that FAGGOTTs should die and these were people here to learn how to council those with HIV. OH MY GOD!! I was just floored. We need to take a stance and continue to make people aware of who and what we are. So many people tell me they did not know I was gay until after someone told them. Well,we need to break the sterotype of gay man. I'm sick and tired of the gay people being so shallow we need to stand up and integrate and make people aware of who and what we are. We are people and nothing more. So please take heart and make sure you make a difference every day. Please if you are not registered to vote go and register and educate yourself on the world around you. If we let another President into the seat like we did we will be going even further backwards and we need to pay attention to our state and local races as well. So please take heart and make a difference.

Joe

Ok it has been awhile since I posted. I have been working an awful lot lately have not had a full 24 hours off of work in well almost a month. Even when not at work the cell phone has been going off the wall with phone calls. With the shortage in 2 full time people and the unfortunate bad luck and health of so many of my staff life has been a real rollercoaster at work. I have been terribly negative at work also and I think that makes all the problems happen. When I'm positive I notice less probelems with staff and clients. So I have been trying to meditate on bringing the positive energy back into my life. I feel it has in a way but not for work in my personal life and that is a good thing in itself. I just wish for once it would be in work and home.

Homelife has been somewhat ok. I think all this obsession with Brokeback mountain and reading the thousands of post on the Dave Cullen Brokeback mountain forum have really made Pat finally sit and listen to what I have been saying for the past 2 years. I know so many people think I should have given up on this relationship a long time ago. But, I do have to say that the communication has been going very well the last few weeks. I don't mean to say it is perfect or anything but at least we are able to discuss and talk without hurting each others feelings. The sad part is that my heart is not in it and he actually has been trying to be much better about giving me my space and my time to be myself. He also has been less critical of my desire to swim more and excersise and spend time without him although not real well. I know that when in a relationship most people would be happy when the other person wants to spend 100 percent of their free time with you and so forth but it is also very suffocating and that is the biggest problem. I'm the type of person that is not jealous and does not mind doing things independently and that is unusual I guess. But, my parents have always done lots of stuff together and lots of stuff seperately and they have what I consider a very healthy relationship heck they still get all weird like when together and you can see the passion and the love, however, they take seperate vacations at times and Mom has her groups and activities and my father does as well. Heck he is going to Engalnd next month and Mom is going with friends to NYC while he is England she just does not want to fly over for just a week. He is just so lonely to see my sister in England.

My circle group has not really sat in a month Heidi,Sharon and I meditated together the other night while Pat was with his family. It was really wonderful. We all did not want to say it but Pat's energy is so draining on our group that without Stephen in the circle the three of us just have a hard time overpowering his negative energy. But, that is ok that is just one more of Pat and my problem. My meditations on my own have been very relaxing and the only thing that gets me through my days.

Now my obsession, I have tried to stay away from Theater the last two weeks. But, again ended up going to Brokeback 3 more times last week and planning on tomorrow again. At least I have gotten Pat to see other movies and that is a good thing. I myself am just as addicted and I still cannot find out why I would be so attracted to a movie that makes me cry almost every single time. Why would I be so addicted to such a tragedy? WEll, the positive of the movie is that I really do not want to sit on my hands anymore and let the world slip by without fighting. Tomorrow the house of representatives in PA are voting to ban any civil unions or gay marriage in our state and to ban gay adoptions. Well, I have been voicing my opinion on this in full force, also I have been more out at work. It is not that everyone did not know I was gay at work heck Pat worked their 8 years with me. But the difference is that I did not talk much about life with anyone in public and I don't hide anymore. If some people can talk about their husbands and girlfriends why can't I? I mean I don't want to throw it in peoples faces I just want to not hide who I am at all. I used to be a real activist and dropped out for the last 11 years when the last person died in my arms in my home I thought what was the point of fighting. But, even though AIDS is still growing in huge numbers at least people are a little more accepting and not abandoning the walking dead. I'm so lucky I survived the 80's not sure how or why but it had to be the wonderful spirits protecting me. I have been reflecting a lot on those years a lot. My dear friend Johnny (not Aids) but murdered by his lover. I miss him so much. I have never contacted him spiritually and not sure how it would go. I have only met one person I felt as close to in all these years but that is not working out the same way, but that is my fault. Oh well, enough about that. I need to find new activities and new ventures. I so want to own my own business but not sure what I could do that would pay my way. I don't need to make a lot of money just enough to get by and insurance. I know I could raise at least 100,000 for something by mortgaging some properties but what can you do with that? I'm at a loss. Oh well, just another one of my dilemas. Have been thinking a lot again about just pitching it all in and living in New England. I know I cannot afford it and not sure what I would do but I would love to just pack a suitcase and move on and try new adventures. I know that running away from problems the problems find you and you have to deal with them sooner or later, but it just sounds so nice to try. Ok now I'm getting negative again, Pat has really given me the best I can ask for but, I just know in my heart it is not what I want. But, I do owe it to him after putting up with me for almost 11 years now I must let the communication continue and see where it goes. Besides the fact I'm 41 and my prospects of finding true happiness are dwindling daily. Such is life.
Joe

Well it has been awhile for an update. Had off of work 5 days From Friday thru Monday. Friday drove to Cleveland Clinic picked up Pat's father after he had two stints put in his heart, for 80 years old he did pretty well. He wanted to stop in Painesville on way home have dinner at Helriegel's so we did what a wonderful dinner we had. Then Friday night saw Pink Panther and Brokeback Mountain. Saturday we were lazy read this story on FanFiction that someone wrote with an alternative story ending from the movie very interesting 23 chapters and the writer is still writing. Boy they have about 125 stories on their people have written also spent some time on Dave Cullen's altimate Brokeback Mountain forum. Also checked out other forums hate the Yahoo one so many hateful people against gay's on that thread. Myspace has a lot of great sites also and Live jouranl has a lot of wonderful sites. Went back to see Brokeback on Saturday night. Sunday cleaned a little and then hung out with Heidi and Sharon went to Maximilians for a really nice dinner again and we just hung out and chatted and talked about all kinds of things. Sharon is also slightly affected by the movie I think because one time she was married and had children before she came out. Heidi thinks it is interesting how much stuff has been written about one movie. We checked out a lot of sites on Youtube.com with Heidi since they have high speed internet and it was much ore enjoyable. Monday we drove around Chataqua lake and stopped and walked through the institute it was very lovely day did not talk just walked and enjoyed the scenery. Had another nice dinner in Jamestown New York. Tuesday I was bymyself YEAH!! I read some other books and played around house cleaned a little and did some laundry then back to Brokeback again that night. WEll back to work on Wednesday and now work 9 days before my next day off. Work was absolutely horrible. Came back to 3 times the problems then I had before I left. I feel like it is falling apart around me. Went to dinner with Pat's father at the Yacht club last evening he is pretty back to normal now. Funny man he is never without a sportcoat, tie and full dress even in hospital last week. They have a new Chef at the Yacht club and he made this wonderful salad of the good mozzarella, Tomatoes, Crostini and fresh greens and olives it was so good I could have had two of them. But, as you know I try and eat healthy and little. Very nice evening with him. His father is such a great person to have conversations with. Back to work today and life is life same old problems. I decided that I just cannot worry so much about things it will happen and if it does not oh well.

This entire Brokeback thing has me so puzzled why it affects some people and not others. I have read comments on threads from people 15 years to 84 years who are so devistated and most are people who swear in their entire life they have never been moved by any movie like this or story. It brings out the need for change and reaches down to the pit of me somewhere and brings out so many emotions I cannot deal with them. I talked to my counselor and they recommend that I just enjoy the experience of feeling all these emotions and he does not feel that it is harmful at all he thinks it is sort of a breakthrough for me to be going through this obsession, addiction or whatever you want to call it. The only thing that ever pulled this much emotion out of me was when Nanny (my grandmother) passed away March 31, 1986. I could not function for a long time after that. I have lost a lot of people in my life more then I want to mention the 80's were so bad with friends who died from Aids over a 100 and I had so many die at my home and in my arms because their families would not take care of them. All that tragedy I never got this emotional before. When my very best friend was murdered by his partner in 1987 I almost had a similar problem as this but what got me through that was wanting to see his partner put in jail for commiting that horrible crime. Ok I'm rambling again. Anyways now I'm waiting patiently for a few of the authors to finish their stories. Hope everyone is happy and healhy and doing well. Joe