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Sep. 11th, 2011 10:49 am Writer's Block: 9/11

I was working and I work in the field going to clients homes. I went to one clients home and soon became aware of the first strike I had to drive 18 miles to my next stop and was on the phone trying to reach my sister who lived in NYC also calling others to see if they knew more by the time I reached my next destination the news was on about the other plane and just as I was arriving I saw the first tower fall. My heart stopped and I was in shock. I tried calling everyone and could not get anyone I had in NYC then the pentagon was hit and my attention focused on family and friends in that area and then. I just stopped and watched and cried and my heart still hurts over all of this. I always feel a ping in my heart on this day for all the souls who moved on this day. Then I stop and think of all the wonderful men and women who every day since and even now are fighting to prevent this from happening again and giving their lives for our protection and our freedom and I shed another tear. Thank you to all of you. Joe

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Oct. 20th, 2010 07:00 pm It's Spirit Day

Originally posted by sparklesdani at It's Spirit Day

In honor of the lives that were lost to bullying, I am taking part of Spirit Day. In addition to wearing purple, I will be taking a moment of silence. I will take six minutes, one minute for each of the lives lost in the past few months, to think about their pain. I will think about how it must have felt to be in their shoes. To be called those names. To be physically attacked. To feel as if there was no way out but suicide. Think about what was going through their minds before they ended it all. They believed that they were better off dead than being perceived as gay, or people knowing that they were gay.

If you agree to do the same, please repost this to your journal. Spread the message of love. Stop the bullying. End the hate.


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Sep. 18th, 2010 04:24 pm hello

just trying out posting from phone

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Mar. 31st, 2009 02:54 pm writing

I have been asked numerous times to write a story for brokeback. I have drabbled on my own and deleted. I do not like my writing as in my comments to all of the stories it seems like a big long rambling of mine. I also have very poor grammar skills. The one story that all through this has stuck in my head I have written about 8000 words. I have it on my computer and I look at it from time to time. Maybe, I should post a little to see what people think. I'm really not sure what to do to do that I'm really not good at the computer stuff.

Then I think well maybe I should just write about my life and my thoughts. That is so personal to me. I have had a good life and I have enjoyed and hated parts like everyone else. This movie, the book and these wonderful stories I read on here about brokeback have given me a new look on life and my life itself. So maybe I will trash what I have written and just write that. Ok well, I'm rambling and I'm home and wanted to read a story update today but none to be found. Ok maybe I will type more into my little story and if someone wants to try reading it and give me an opinion maybe I will publish some of it or all. I do not want to be a someone who post and then never finishes and I have stared at this page of mine for a long time. So maybe input will get my gears working.

Joe

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blankblank

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Nov. 25th, 2007 12:23 pm Loss and Thanksgiving

I had a nice Thanksgiving after all. Yes, I have morned the loss of one of my favorite 13 uncles. But, today I look and think the one silver lining was that I spend Thanksgiving with my family. I was going to spend with Pat's family which is ok but I do miss my own family so much. It is different when you come from a large family compared to Pat's very small family. Mom, did well cooking last minute Thanksgiving and always entertaining and talking to everyone the hostess with the mostess. On Friday I was well very upset at the funeral. So many people it was supposed to be a 1 1/2 hour viewing that turned into 3 hours due to the fact so many wanted to come through the funeral home. Some of my Uncle's friends came as far away as Texas, Florida, South Carolina and well surrounding states as well it truly shows that this man was well loved and thought about. The funeral director told me he ran out of the markers for the cars and had to do every third car due to the fact there were over 300 cars in the procession. I am sorry for my cousins and aunt for the loss of Uncle Tim but I feel guilty for sitting there thinking of all the wonderful things people said about my Uncle and thinking I don't want to do this I don't want to have to be the strong one when my father passes away. I know that the town we are from people love my father and I know it will be just as chaotic at his funeral and I kept thinking I don't have the courage or energy to stand in front of all of these people and let my emotions out. I felt so bad for Gary, he kept hugging me all day and searching for time to talk but with so much going on it never happened until late last night. He needed to unwind and well we were raised like brothers and I guess that is another silver lining since the last few years we have not been as connected he has been envolved with his newest daughter and living in Frederick and all but well cell phone talk is cheap and we finally got to just be and that was good. Ok I'm rambling away boring even myself. Joe

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Jun. 3rd, 2007 02:12 pm Sunday Update

Feeling fine! Saw the doctor on Thursday lots of prodding and testing and lots of needles but that is ok I'm used to that. He thinks things will get back on track again soon with some med changes and then some more test in a few weeks. I have been dealing with this darn tumor for 9 years now and it is cool sometimes our bodies need readjustment to things. He said I should lose the 25 pounds now with the changes the water weight is just a side effect so that is great news maybe i will get into my 34" pants again. I would love that.

In between all the test on Thursday I did get to enjoy the Arts festival in Pittsburgh then went to see the Chihuly show at the Phipps conservatory and it was very impressive as always this is the third or 4th time I have seen one of the Chihuly shows and that man impresses me with the organic form of his glass sculputres and the way they flow in the gardens is amazing I would kill for one piece of his glass but the lowest priced piece I could find was 5100 oh well the charge card could handle but I don't think I could handle the payments who knows maybe a winfall of cash will flow my way. Pat said we could sell a couple antiques but heck that would be like cutting an arm off. Oh well if anyone is in the Pittsburgh region this year stop by it was fantastic. Although the St. Louis show was larger this is very nice also. The day was in the 90's and wonderful until we went to leave Pittsburgh to drive home. Some idiot threatened to blow up the tunnels in Pittsburgh and well that slowed traffic to a hault and then a huge storm blew into town like a hurricane in a small sense garbage cans flying and all. I still got out of the car and ran up the street while waiting in traffic for my Starbucks Pat said I was nuts but it was so worth it. I love my Frappacinos they will be the death of me.

Ok the weekend worked yesterday not much news then read my Brokeback stories I love them all so much.

Today fiddled around the yard so far now waiting for Pat to get out of the shower so we can run up to Chautaqua and see the sites and visit some friends. Hope all is well in the cyber world. Joe

Current Location: Hammock back yard
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: birds chiriping in yard

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May. 30th, 2007 10:31 am Just a little update

Ok I have been lack in updating my own journal. As usual very busy the last few months with work and all. My co-manager has been off ill and this meant I covered the cell phone 24/7 for 8 weeks non stop and this took a lot out of me personally and physically. She is back and I'm happy and hope the summer goes well at work.

My health has been decling and I think this is due to a couple of things one I just realized today that I have missed two of my medications for over 3 months. I get those refills every three months and never payed attention that two were not sent last time so hopefully once I get back on these I will lose the weight again. I gained over 30 pounds in three months and I'm miserable with this but hoping according to my doctor that getting back on track will help. I also think the lack of time for meditation has done some of this as well. I usually meditate an hour a day but lately I'm lucky if I get 15 minutes to do such enjoyable things. Good news on health is that my eyes have stopped deteriorating and they think that the lazer and gamma surgery have helped stop the tumor from hurting my eyesight anymore. I did not mind most of this treatment it was tough a few days i was stubborn and would have a treatment and then go right to work. My partner would get so mad at me oh well I'm a workaholic.

Tomorrow I have another MRI and dexa scan and some more lab work and hopefully they can get this tumor under control again and I will lose the weight like I did before. This dam thing caused the weight gain before and well hopefully with the treatment will help out. I'm not obese but I'm not very happy with being bloated all the time. Going from 36" pants in the morning to 40 by night is a pain in the ass also I have been buying two pair of pants and keeping in my car so I can change as I bloat throughout the day but that is sort of fun also but more laundry.

Not sure but maybe it is health or whatever but I feel so sad most days I have been having more of a hard time dealing with it then I used to. I don't want to go on medication for feeling sad but may have to do so. The brokeback stories still inspire me to try and do things that I never did before I try reaching out to people and loving those around me more. The stories I know some think I'm crazy that over a year now almost 18 months of reading daily well they are great. I cannot get enough and it seems I crave them at times. Some writers say I should try writing but then that would cut into my time reading and not sure I want to do that. I do have a few things on my word that I have written but as most who know me my grammar is horrible.

Family life. Pat and I have been tolerating each other more back into the slump. We did talk a little about wether we stay together for comfort and security or love and well it is a mixture of all of these things. We do get along together and enjoy things together but well we get on each others nerves a lot and his control issues are still very hard to deal with. Yes, I'm no prince in being loyal to our sexual relationship anymore the last two years anyhow out of 12. I have been better lately and it seems the more I try and avoid those situations they appear before me but I have resisted the temptation for the past couple of months and am proud to be loyal sexually to him again. Even though it is hard sometimes. I don't know what the attraction is but I have had more young men approach me then when I was a young man as of late. I feel dam ugly but I guess they see beyond my physical looks and see something in me I'm not sure. I don't particularly like younger men but it is tempting when a 20 year old wants to take you out on a date and so forth but again I digress and I avoid and keep my penis in my pants. It is flattering in a way though. It is funny how the world throws these things at you. I am the type of person that well talks with store attendents and cashiers at stores and because I frequent places alot they remember me. Twice in the past month things like this happened.: At my favorite starbucks the one girl their encouraged another co-worker the 20 year old to make a pass at me. She told him that she did not like my partner and thought he was a better match for me. Apparently he told her he liked me and she encouraged this pass. I talked to him and well did not do more and almost did but it worked out. Then last night at dinner at one of our favorite restaurants when I was going to the bathroom the waiter followed me in and made a pass at me. He said he sees the two of us come in all the time and thought maybe I would go out with him and dump my partner of 12 years. I turned this down although he was extremely handsome and is always so nice as a waiter. I don't know why these things keep happening. The two soccer player guys I did play with a couple times last year going to the local college next door came to say goodbye to me a couple of weeks ago and thank me for talking to them like adults and well other things. They are going to try and make a go of being together and wanted one more threeway but I declined and told them to just be themselves and be together. Strange strange strange how the spirits are moving lately. I cannot wait for Lilly dale to open and see what happens this summer. I'm not sure I'm ready but I guess I will have to be ready for what life puts before me.

Ok I have rambled on a bit long and have to get to work so I will go for now. Joe

Current Location: Back Yard in Hammock
Current Mood: indescribableindescribable

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Jan. 19th, 2007 01:26 pm Ok I felt like typing

It is cold and snowy outside so why not continue to bore people. I left off with the holidays it was ok I guess. The last couple of weeks have been prety mundane January stuff. I am really frustrated that they have not picked a new full time for our open position. The position that they talked about with me well I rushed to put in a request for the position and have heard nothing about it yet. I find this weird in its own way. I took this week off to go to NYC to meet my sister who is in from England but she had better plans so here I sit in Erie. I had a nice visit with Jim on Sunday through Tuesday and we really had a nice time shopping getting some great January deals and talking. Of course we ate a lot of great food why as we get older all of our social interaction is over food. I did well and stayed with salads that were ok but had a lot of good things in them. I have been meditating a lot this week and that is good also. Ok well I updated twice in one day how do you like that. Joe

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Jan. 19th, 2007 01:24 pm

Well, it has been awhile since I updated on my life. I am still yes addicted to all my brokeback stuff, especially all the magnificent fiction writing that is going on all over the place. I still cannot get enough and yes there is never enough time just never enough.

Since I last updated in October a lot of wonderful things have happened. In November I went to light up night with Katie, Pat, Stephen and finally got to meet Stephen and Katie's friend Tom whom I have heard so much about. He is a really nice young man and he has a lot of interest similiar to Pat's so it was a very pleasent evening. We had a later start then normal so unfortunatly we did not get to see all of the events of light up night in Pittsburgh as we usually do but it was still fun just being with good people.

Thanksgiving I worked and we had a very nice dinner with my clients at two of their homes and this was a success as well. It brings me such joy to see these people entertaining for the holidays. When I started working in this program over 10 years ago and worked a holiday it was just another day for these individuals no fanfare nothing. Now they plan and look forward to holidays like everyone else does. This year two different clients hosted Thanksgiving dinners at their homes and they ate lots of food/watched movies or television and talked it was great seeing them interact so well and I think it made it better for my staff as well who also worked. Yes, the food they prepared and served may not have been well lets just say like our own homeade fancy feast but the point of working with developmentally disabled adults who live independently is that they learn to do things themselves and yes it is easier to teach them to make stove top stuffing instead of real stuffing and to buy prepared pies and so forth then making it all the Martha Stewart way and the Turkeys turned out fine.

December was a whilwind like all Decembers not only getting my personal life in order for the big events but all the individuals and their events. On December 17, they had a very nice dinner at the Erie Maennechor club and this year I did not have to sing so that saved a lot of people's ears from hearing me singing and the clients sang for entertainment at the dinner then we moved to the Avalon Ballroom to enjoy dancing to DJ's and socializing it was a spectacular event that they all seemed to enjoy then a few staff joined me for a drink afterwards which was nice being social with some staff I'm normally not social with. Even if I had to bribe them to let me buy them one round and I actually had a drink which is rare these days but only one.

Christmas was busy our friend Randy came to town on the 22nd and Caroline came to well sort of spend the night drinking wine and talking until 4 am 3 days in a row even though I had to work some of these days it was great fun catching up with old friends. On Christmas Eve I drove to my parents and we had a quiet nice time since my sister stayed in England for the holiday. We visited two of my Great Aunts and they were very excited to have company also my Uncle Bob and his Wife came to town for the holiday and we played pinocle and sequence and ate way too much and talked and laughed the night away. The rest of my fathers 10 brothers and sisters do not usually come back to Clearfield anymore and stay in their hometowns but a few did come after the holidays to see my parents and go to events. I left Clearfield on Christmas day and drove back to Erie and enjoyed Christmas night with Pat's family and Pat's Ex my good friend Jim was home for the holidays and stayed with us as well. He bought me a very nice lithograph and two wonderful bottles of wine for my collection some day I will open these great wines I hope but I am always afraid to drink too much with my pills I take but what the heck we only live once and I love a good bottle of wine or scotch. Jim knows we love artwork and the lithograph his fantastic he gave Pat one also. I really enjoy visiting with Jim if we were not good friends we could have been lovers a long time ago. Some do not understand how I can let my partners Ex come and stay with us and spend holidays but he is like family and so that is the way it is. New Years all of our plans were well in the mud at the last minute but never fear we had a nice quiet dinner at a nice restaurant then home to watch the ball fall down. I then got terribly ill with stomach problems but I survived just felt miserable for an entire day. My doctor called 3 times from Japan he is still worried about some of my reactions to my new medecines for my tumor. I have been shaking more often and find it hard to concentrate sometimes but overall I'm still walking and I feel good most of the time so I'm not going to let it get me down. One little brain tumor is not going to do this guy in. My eyes are feeling a bit better also the laser treatments are doing a wonderful job and I love my new glasses even though most people do not say anything since they are almost invisible I spent way too much money on them but I love them. Only two more laser treatments on the eyes and hopefully all will be better. It worried me when they said I lost 70 percent of my vision in 6 months the tumor can do that but I think they have reversed the process pretty well thank god for great hospitals and great doctors. Too anyone who ever reads this do not go on the advice of one doctor look for others opinions. If I listened to my first docotor years ago I may have ended up in a wheelchair but I dance, do what I want and am living life and actually I have lost most of the weight that the tumor affected with my thyroid. I admit I gained 24 pounds over the holidays but I ate what I wanted so that did it. I will work it off and heck I was flirted with several times recently so I must look pretty good for a 42 year old man.

Ok well I hope to update again soon just wanted to clear my mind on things oh next time I will talk about the possible job change. joe

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Jan. 10th, 2007 04:32 pm Update on Life

Well, it has been awhile since I updated on my life. I am still yes addicted to all my brokeback stuff, especially all the magnificent fiction writing that is going on all over the place. I still cannot get enough and yes there is never enough time just never enough.

Since I last updated in October a lot of wonderful things have happened. In November I went to light up night with Katie, Pat, Stephen and finally got to meet Stephen and Katie's friend Tom whom I have heard so much about. He is a really nice young man and he has a lot of interest similiar to Pat's so it was a very pleasent evening. We had a later start then normal so unfortunatly we did not get to see all of the events of light up night in Pittsburgh as we usually do but it was still fun just being with good people.

Thanksgiving I worked and we had a very nice dinner with my clients at two of their homes and this was a success as well. It brings me such joy to see these people entertaining for the holidays. When I started working in this program over 10 years ago and worked a holiday it was just another day for these individuals no fanfare nothing. Now they plan and look forward to holidays like everyone else does. This year two different clients hosted Thanksgiving dinners at their homes and they ate lots of food/watched movies or television and talked it was great seeing them interact so well and I think it made it better for my staff as well who also worked. Yes, the food they prepared and served may not have been well lets just say like our own homeade fancy feast but the point of working with developmentally disabled adults who live independently is that they learn to do things themselves and yes it is easier to teach them to make stove top stuffing instead of real stuffing and to buy prepared pies and so forth then making it all the Martha Stewart way and the Turkeys turned out fine.

December was a whilwind like all Decembers not only getting my personal life in order for the big events but all the individuals and their events. On December 17, they had a very nice dinner at the Erie Maennechor club and this year I did not have to sing so that saved a lot of people's ears from hearing me singing and the clients sang for entertainment at the dinner then we moved to the Avalon Ballroom to enjoy dancing to DJ's and socializing it was a spectacular event that they all seemed to enjoy then a few staff joined me for a drink afterwards which was nice being social with some staff I'm normally not social with. Even if I had to bribe them to let me buy them one round and I actually had a drink which is rare these days but only one.

Christmas was busy our friend Randy came to town on the 22nd and Caroline came to well sort of spend the night drinking wine and talking until 4 am 3 days in a row even though I had to work some of these days it was great fun catching up with old friends. On Christmas Eve I drove to my parents and we had a quiet nice time since my sister stayed in England for the holiday. We visited two of my Great Aunts and they were very excited to have company also my Uncle Bob and his Wife came to town for the holiday and we played pinocle and sequence and ate way too much and talked and laughed the night away. The rest of my fathers 10 brothers and sisters do not usually come back to Clearfield anymore and stay in their hometowns but a few did come after the holidays to see my parents and go to events. I left Clearfield on Christmas day and drove back to Erie and enjoyed Christmas night with Pat's family and Pat's Ex my good friend Jim was home for the holidays and stayed with us as well. He bought me a very nice lithograph and two wonderful bottles of wine for my collection some day I will open these great wines I hope but I am always afraid to drink too much with my pills I take but what the heck we only live once and I love a good bottle of wine or scotch. Jim knows we love artwork and the lithograph his fantastic he gave Pat one also. I really enjoy visiting with Jim if we were not good friends we could have been lovers a long time ago. Some do not understand how I can let my partners Ex come and stay with us and spend holidays but he is like family and so that is the way it is. New Years all of our plans were well in the mud at the last minute but never fear we had a nice quiet dinner at a nice restaurant then home to watch the ball fall down. I then got terribly ill with stomach problems but I survived just felt miserable for an entire day. My doctor called 3 times from Japan he is still worried about some of my reactions to my new medecines for my tumor. I have been shaking more often and find it hard to concentrate sometimes but overall I'm still walking and I feel good most of the time so I'm not going to let it get me down. One little brain tumor is not going to do this guy in. My eyes are feeling a bit better also the laser treatments are doing a wonderful job and I love my new glasses even though most people do not say anything since they are almost invisible I spent way too much money on them but I love them. Only two more laser treatments on the eyes and hopefully all will be better. It worried me when they said I lost 70 percent of my vision in 6 months the tumor can do that but I think they have reversed the process pretty well thank god for great hospitals and great doctors. Too anyone who ever reads this do not go on the advice of one doctor look for others opinions. If I listened to my first docotor years ago I may have ended up in a wheelchair but I dance, do what I want and am living life and actually I have lost most of the weight that the tumor affected with my thyroid. I admit I gained 24 pounds over the holidays but I ate what I wanted so that did it. I will work it off and heck I was flirted with several times recently so I must look pretty good for a 42 year old man.

Ok well I hope to update again soon just wanted to clear my mind on things oh next time I will talk about the possible job change. joe

Current Location: Family room looking at the yard

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